my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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