i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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