he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
