is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
