Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
