Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
