Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
