Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
