I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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