some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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