I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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