Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
