those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
