I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
