If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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