So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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