Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
