oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
