I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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