yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
