Apparently you make a good broom.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
