I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
