Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
A+ Viking dick
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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