Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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