I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
