i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
