Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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