The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
