did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Did you just see the Batmobile???
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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