i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
