my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
