Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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