3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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