Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
