It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
farters have to be the big spoon...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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