how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
