I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
