Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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