Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
