My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
