dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
