Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
