Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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