Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
it's like heaven, but drunker
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
