I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
