she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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