I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
