I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
