Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
