Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
