shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
