someone threw a dead crab at me
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
