I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
zippers are such a cool invention
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
