Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
