Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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