There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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