I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
