yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
