im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
