Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
