Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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